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12-22-02
Two Faces
I am two-faced, selfish and a poor excuse for a person. I realize I have
been initially washed white but on the inside I remain black like night.
I think my mind corrupts itself a little more everyday—Of course it
does, all I ever see is negative input, like wars, lots of deceit and
carelessness that flourishes the world.
I grow famished easily; I starve myself of all the essentials—love,
devotion and fellowship. I can’t love, it makes me unaware of what
love is. I am careless with my relationships and sooner or later I fear
it will catch up with me. My loved ones will leave, or worse—die and I
will hardly know they are gone. Why don’t I want to be around the
people I can semi-relate to? My God… Two faces—But so many more
lives than that.
I fear for the day it all catches up with me. Sorry—Forgive me.
12-23-02
I don't want it all anymore, just you.
It is funny, well not really funny, but Ironic I guess. It is Ironic to
see how things that mean so much to us benefit so little. It seems like
the more I feel I need something in my life, the less I really do.
Money, sex, fame and fortune; they all seem like they are what I need.
As it turns out, I don’t need any of it. Not that I have really had
much of any of it, but I have seen and heard enough to realize that it
does not bring contentment.
Money eventually runs out and if not, you buy all you could ever want. I
think it is best to have a little money, that way when you do get
something you want, you rejoice ten-fold.
Sex, oh boy—nothing but trouble for me. It controls, deceives and
ruins what used to be healthy at one point. If it is a friendship, sex
makes you lust after a friend—friends are for love, not lust. Love and
lust do not mix at all. Lust has no emotion; it is only done in vain,
only for pleasure, only for personal fulfillment. Lust has nothing to do
with the partner, nothing at all to do with love.
I’ve seen those
who experience fame and fortune—for the most part it is useless. Of
course, there are those who like to get off because of all their pitiful
accomplishments. Heads grow so big; sometimes it is hard to recognize
the person you once knew. Pretty soon, it will be some sort of inflated
alter ego that no longer resembles a human; it’s more like a
caricature now. Goodness—is being known by people you don’t know,
and never will know that important? The only reason I see to be known
and respected by people, at least in this sense, is for some weird
self-glorification method. People feel good enough about themselves that
they no longer have a need for caring about others anymore. This is sad,
and upsetting. The only reason to be alive is to love and care for
others.
Friends are put in our lives for reasons. If they aren’t put
there---you have to go find them. It is worth it, look for something, I
mean, someone who puts a smile on your face. Someone who you can relate
to, someone that at least tries to understand you. That is what defines
a friend, someone who wants to know you.Thank God I have found such a
friend. Surprise Surprise, it’s a girl. The one species I thought I
could never relate to turns out to host a specimen oh so sweet. She is
more than I can write with a pen. She loves me and I truly love her. I
have to—if I let this pass by in front of my face I will be kicking
myself for the rest of my life. Nothing good ever comes from
neglected blessings. Someone above loves enough to put people in our
lives, we have to utilize our ability to love these people. To do
otherwise proves we are ignorant…We MUST love.
12-26-02
I know nothing.
Here I am at 3 am watching some low-budget documentary on birds---Oh my
goodness, what have I become? It’s not that I am a bird lover or
anything; it just so happens that I am a night owl!! (haha, get it)?To
my right is the cutest little girl I have ever seen. She is slurping
down her bottle in hopes that she can go back to sleep shortly after.
She is dressed in pink, and I must admit that she wears her nightie much
better than I do mine. Maria, my little niece, I love her.I think I am
dog-tired on the inside but my mind is overpowering my senses. I feel
like staying up all night is actually a good idea---of course it
isn’t. I need to rest so I can get up relatively early and buy new
tires for my car. If I don’t—I will have completely wasted another
perfectly usable day.
I’m sick and tired of wasting my, and everyone else’s time. Surely I
have some way of being beneficial, if only I could find it. Tonight I
worked at a soup kitchen in Louisville Kentucky. It was ok, but I still
felt pretty useless.
I have said it before and I will say it again…All I really know is
that I know nothing. Every time I start to think I am getting somewhere
I realize I have forgotten something at home (figuratively speaking of
course). I am tired now—gotta go.
-Mark-
12-29-02
Eat Myself
I have been thinking for the last 30 minutes or so and I have realized
something. I have never been this hungry in my life. My stomach is dry
and empty and ticked off because there is nothing in it. It’s mad at
me because it has no food in it—Don’t blame me, I cannot help it.I
was going to eat but it was going to be a huge hassle—I hate causing a
ruckus. Besides, I am about six ounces overweight anyways; I can wait
until tomorrow or Tuesday for that matter. Food is about last on my list
of priorities. Happiness is what I need to worry about.It only took
about 2 hours to get to kokomo today. I figured it was going to take at
least 2.5. The weather was great, much better than I expected. The sun
warmed the care enough so that I did not need to use the heater. The
music was loud and it pierced through my ears. I think I heard more
music in between songs. My mind plays a lot of music—but I can never
decode or write it down in time. This is what I am trying to do now;
write down my stupid thoughts so that I or someone else may be amused by
it. ( I doubt it, but I hope anyways).
So now, “desperately seeking susan” is on the old television. It is
really old. It is the kind of television with the wooden casing. You
know the kind that they don’t make anymore. I have watched this movie
before. I didn’t like it then so you can imagine how I hate it now.
Especially when two confused lovebirds snuggle beside me on this green
vintage sofa. It’s pretty comfortable, but still I don’t like it for
some reason. HEY.. I’m not bitter.Have I mentioned how I could eat a
horse? I would never do that, I love horses but I am just saying that I
could my appetite is big enough to handle something in the 1-2 thousand
pound range---Anyways…My stomach is feeling better now. I think I know
a hint of what it is like to from anorexia nervosa. It is not as bad as
everyone makes it out to be. It is like any other kind of abstinence. If
you don’t do something for long enough you start to think you really
don’t need it; much like sex can be. Once you get over the initial
withdrawals, you don’t miss it. Sex is good—food is good. The only
difference is that abstaining from food eventually kills you. Refraining
from sex only makes you want to die. Man, this is the first time I have
ever written about hunger—I hate it.I feel sorry for all the hungry
people in the world.
Who in the world do I think I am? All this story did was complain. I
seem to have overlooked all of the good things that happened to me. Oh
well—I know what they are. Besides, it is more fun to look back on the
bad things anyways.
1-1-03
De socialize the earth
Why do people get mad at me all of the time? I’m sorry I act the way I
do. I suppose it would be better if I put on a show. Everyone likes
someone who is pleasing to their peripherals rather than someone who is
true-blue honest.
Seriously, It is not that I think I am too good or anything lame like
that. I simply don’t care to be around people all of the time. Call it
“#$%^^&,” call it lame, call it anti-social—I call it normal.
If there is something wrong with being normal and consistent then I
guess I should be held accountable.
I like to e comfortable, don’t we all? I rarely find people who say
they like to fell awkward and weird. They just love to feel out of place
and love to be in pain from all of the socializing junk.I am thinking
that maybe my abstinence from such social gatherings is some sort of
divine plan rather than a disorder. I am trying to rid this ugly sphere
of the whole “social” principle. I want solitude for the multitude.
Down with fun. Damn the man, haha.. kidding of course.I know I am sane,
(oh no, what is that buzzing noise)? I just hope others comprehend the
way I feel. It’s not any science, heck, it’s barely remedial
math—I just need my time alone. This means that I am NOT mad, sad, or
even glad---JUST NORMAL>
-Mark-
1-3-03
Better than good (God)
Whether it be one of my infamous complaints, or a sweet, tenderhearted
lament. I like to think that God enjoys it. He doesn’t mind reading my
hardships, hey! Maybe he even hurts a little himself sometimes.
I love the fact that God loves me (and everyone else too). God is love,
among many other things. I also love the fact that God has no
explanation—Nothing he has done makes much sense. He created people
for fellowship, ok, that makes sense but from that point on it has all
been sort of down hill.
His creation spat in his face, broke his heart, disobeyed and destroyed
his plan. Why not call it quits with the whole operation? Why would an
omnipotent being give second, third, numerous chances to a people that
has never failed to fail?!! All we have ever done is hurt God and
others. Our great corruption is the only thing we have going for us.
God knows this, but in the process of our deceit he has saved souls,
turned heads and helped fill up an eternal kingdom through us. What a
master! He knows we will betray, he knows we are undeserving, conceded,
complacent and wretched but he allows us to join in his fun anyways. We
can be a part of al he does; it is our choice.
If we want to love others we can. If we choose to serve others we can.
Suppose we want to save lives, we can! On the other hand, if we want to
hate—we can. And to be honest, it is sometimes easier to hate. Love
requires action; hate sets still. If we choose to deny help to others,
we can. God is a god of choices, and all of the choices he has, he gives
to us. He has answered, “yes” to all of the right ones. We can too,
he will even let us cheat if we need to. --Read it mark--
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